It’s crazy to think my first trimester has been and gone. I mean, seriously, not only am I pregnant, but I’m a third of the way through?! This pregnancy happened quickly and seems to be progressing just as quickly.
I’ll be honest, I’ve been a little apprehensive about having another baby. Motherhood didn’t come to me as naturally as I thought it would. I stress, panic, worry about doing things wrong. I take short cuts and bribe my child. Anything to make my day that little bit easier so I don’t have a melt down – it doesn’t take much for that to happen.
The first trimester of this pregnancy didn’t get much attention to be honest. For those of you who follow me on social media and read my blog regularly, you’ll know I haven’t had the easiest of months.
I won’t go over it all again, but lets just say finding out I was pregnant was the last happy thing that happened to us recently; it all went down hill from there.
For that reason I don’t have a preplanned first trimester update, I haven’t made notes of changes each week, cravings or symptoms. My mind has been elsewhere.
One thing that has been prominent in my first trimester is anxiety, something I’ve never suffered with before. Boy is anxiety scary. Since finding out I’m pregnant I’ve had a couple of panic attacks (nothing serious, just crying melt downs because I’m, well, a little bit terrified), and a batch of anxiety.
The guilt is the worst. Why don’t I want this baby? Why am I panicking about going through everything again?
The past 3 months have probably been the hardest of my life and for that reason I have an answer to the anxiety. I do want this baby, of course I’m going to panic about things regardless, but this baby survived a car crash, which has made it that little bit more special to me.
The night before the scan I had the worst anxiety to date. I couldn’t breathe properly, and well, sleep wasn’t on the agenda. Luckily our scan was scheduled for the morning, so after dropping Lamb at nursery we headed straight to the hospital.
The scan machines have been updated since Lamb was in my belly and we both commented on how clear the baby was. It has long skinny legs like his dad! 😉 Footballers legs he likes to call them…
Seeing my baby on the screen filled me with emotion. Holding back the tears, I saw my bundle of joy kicking their legs and doing 360 spins (literally). I’ve got a little acrobat in there!
Once I had confirmation my baby was growing healthily I felt instant relief. You see, after my car crash I didn’t have 100% confirmation the baby was ok. I was scanned in A&E but as I was only 6 weeks pregnant, the machine they used just couldn’t pick up the teeny tiny embryo. All I knew was my amniotic fluid was intact, and there was no blood in my urine; no signs of trauma.
I was supposed to have an early pregnancy scan to reassure me everything was ok, but I just wasn’t priority and it never happened.
I had to wait 6 long weeks to be sure my baby was ok. Which most likely triggered the anxiety. I couldn’t get excited, or I wouldn’t let myself get excited, until I was sure.
I had no bleeding or pain, but I just needed to see my baby wriggle, watch the beating heart, to know it was ok.
I’m now 15 weeks pregnant and feeling much calmer and confident about doing this again. I find myself day dreaming about holding my baby, seeing it for the first time, giving it it’s first feed. Rewind to before the scan and these thoughts panicked me.
Lamb is fully aware he’s going to be a big brother. When I ask him what he’s going to do with the baby he says things like “give it a bot bot” and “give it a cuddle”. This melts my heart.
I’m so in love with my little boy, I can’t imagine having any love left for another baby! But if I can feel what I feel for Lamb for another child, then I’m one lucky lady.