It’s crazy to think my first trimester has been and gone. I mean, seriously, not only am I pregnant, but I’m a third of the way through?! This pregnancy happened quickly and seems to be progressing just as quickly.
I’ll be honest, I’ve been a little apprehensive about having another baby. Motherhood didn’t come to me as naturally as I thought it would. I stress, panic, worry about doing things wrong. I take short cuts and bribe my child. Anything to make my day that little bit easier so I don’t have a melt down – it doesn’t take much for that to happen.
The first trimester of this pregnancy didn’t get much attention to be honest. For those of you who follow me on social media and read my blog regularly, you’ll know I haven’t had the easiest of months.
I won’t go over it all again, but lets just say finding out I was pregnant was the last happy thing that happened to us recently; it all went down hill from there.
For that reason I don’t have a preplanned first trimester update, I haven’t made notes of changes each week, cravings or symptoms. My mind has been elsewhere.
One thing that has been prominent in my first trimester is anxiety, something I’ve never suffered with before. Boy is anxiety scary. Since finding out I’m pregnant I’ve had a couple of panic attacks (nothing serious, just crying melt downs because I’m, well, a little bit terrified), and a batch of anxiety.
The guilt is the worst. Why don’t I want this baby? Why am I panicking about going through everything again?
The past 3 months have probably been the hardest of my life and for that reason I have an answer to the anxiety. I do want this baby, of course I’m going to panic about things regardless, but this baby survived a car crash, which has made it that little bit more special to me.
The night before the scan I had the worst anxiety to date. I couldn’t breathe properly, and well, sleep wasn’t on the agenda. Luckily our scan was scheduled for the morning, so after dropping Lamb at nursery we headed straight to the hospital.
The scan machines have been updated since Lamb was in my belly and we both commented on how clear the baby was. It has long skinny legs like his dad! 😉 Footballers legs he likes to call them…
Seeing my baby on the screen filled me with emotion. Holding back the tears, I saw my bundle of joy kicking their legs and doing 360 spins (literally). I’ve got a little acrobat in there!
Once I had confirmation my baby was growing healthily I felt instant relief. You see, after my car crash I didn’t have 100% confirmation the baby was ok. I was scanned in A&E but as I was only 6 weeks pregnant, the machine they used just couldn’t pick up the teeny tiny embryo. All I knew was my amniotic fluid was intact, and there was no blood in my urine; no signs of trauma.
I was supposed to have an early pregnancy scan to reassure me everything was ok, but I just wasn’t priority and it never happened.
I had to wait 6 long weeks to be sure my baby was ok. Which most likely triggered the anxiety. I couldn’t get excited, or I wouldn’t let myself get excited, until I was sure.
I had no bleeding or pain, but I just needed to see my baby wriggle, watch the beating heart, to know it was ok.
I’m now 15 weeks pregnant and feeling much calmer and confident about doing this again. I find myself day dreaming about holding my baby, seeing it for the first time, giving it it’s first feed. Rewind to before the scan and these thoughts panicked me.
Lamb is fully aware he’s going to be a big brother. When I ask him what he’s going to do with the baby he says things like “give it a bot bot” and “give it a cuddle”. This melts my heart.
I’m so in love with my little boy, I can’t imagine having any love left for another baby! But if I can feel what I feel for Lamb for another child, then I’m one lucky lady.
Ax
Becky, Cuddle Fairy says
The feelings & thoughts you describe here are natural & shared by so many mothers. I had the same thoughts & worries. I couldn’t imagine having enough love for a second child. I think with your second pregnancy, you know what’s coming & how tough it is. I’m so glad all is well & the scan was so clear & positive. x
Mudpie Fridays says
Congratulations, I’m sorry it’s been a hard ride to date the car crash must have been very scary. So glad everything is okay :). Sounds like Lamb has this big brother thing down pat already! I’m two weeks ahead of you. Xx
Alex says
Thank you 🙂 yes it was so scary, im so grateful to come away with only scratches and bruises. I’m getting Lamb trained for big bro duties! Ahhhhh blog bump buddies 🙂 xx
Ana De- Jesus says
I am sorry to hear about your accident but your lil bub is a fighter just like its mother and I am so pleased that everything is going well at the moment. I am not surprised that you have been anxious with everything you have been through! xx
Alex says
Thank you 🙂 yeah I’ve been through a lite entry, growing a baby is hard enough without dealing with extra stress! Xx
Jolene monaghan says
you must of felt fantastic to have seen the scan… take care for the rest of your pregnancy
Alex says
Thank you 🙂 Yes it was such a relief x
Hannah Budding Smiles says
Massive hugs lovely, I know you had such a rough time and I’m really happy baby is okay and you’re feeling better. So cute that Lamb wants to be involved, he’ll rock at being a big brother!xx
Alex says
Thanks Hun 🙂 what a bloody nightmare I’ve had, but I’m excited about Xmas and will make sure it’s amazing for lamb (before he has to share us with a sibling!) xxx
Miranda (Myrabev) says
Congratulations and glad to know everything is fine with baby #2, I can not imagine the anxiety you had been feeling but glad you’re more reassured now.
Alex says
Feeling so much better now thanks, still worry a little but I think that’s just natural xx
You Baby Me Mummy says
What a stressful time, I am so glad everything is o.k. I hope that things settle down now and you can enjoy pregnancy from here on x
Alex says
Thanks Aby. Such bad time for all the bad stuff to happen. Like growing a baby isn’t hard enough!! X
Cathy (MummyTravels) says
Oh goodness, how hideously stressful – I can only imagine how long those six weeks have felt to find out all’s OK, and how terrible that they couldn’t arrange an early scan to put your mind at rest. I hope things are easier now and that the anxiety lessens.
Alex says
Yeah it felt like forever, I’m sure if I’d had an early scan I might have been a little calmer. At least i know baby is ok now xxx
ali says
It’s only natural to feel anxious when you’re pregnant, there’s so much going on. I was awful during my last as it was such a gap from my other 2 and wondered if I was doing the right thing but it has been amazing and I can assure you that you will be fine, us mums are built of string stuff. If you do find your anxiety is out of control though do get help, it’s been recognised as a post natal condition, looking back I should’ve got help when I was a first time mum.
Alex says
I’ll definitely keep an eye on it, it’s improved since the scan but I still feel a little anxious every now and then. I hope as the pregnancy progresses the anxiety will improve more xx
Joanna says
Congratulations, glad to hear that the scan wentvwell.
I was anxious when I was pregnant with Blake am still like that now always a worrier.
Eimear says
Oh my god I can’t believe you had to wait that long between scans, I don’t blame you for being anxious, so glad everything is going well and baby is healthy and you are, exciting times ahead! x
Lisa says
Congratulations on getting through the first trimester. I’m so glad that the scan was OK and that you got the reassurance that you needed. I’m in the 3rd trimester and finding this whole pregnancy thing quite scary too. It’s amazing when the 2nd baby is born how you suddenly realise you can love it as much as no1 even though you thought you’re heart was already full x
Mrs H says
Congratulations. What a difficult few months you have had. You definitely have a fighter to have got through the car crash. I hope the second trimester goes better. This baby will definitely be a awesome as Lamb. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Natalie @ little jam pot life says
Sorry to hear about your crash, glad all is ok now. I understand what you mean, when it comes as a shock/surprise your mind takes a while to process it. Especially when it’s a hard time. We’re expecting number four and this has been the hardest pregnancy by far. The first three-four months were hard! Lovely post X X x