This weekend I found myself in the centre of a breastfeeding debate on Twitter. Situations I usually like to avoid because the people who debate over twitter are normally a little more outspoken than I am and clearly have a lot of confidence from behind their computer screens. I was shocked to find myself being judged by a number of extreme pro breastfeeders over one simple comment I made to another blogger.
The blogger had asked for tips on what to put in a new mum hamper. My answer was “after my experience with breast-feeding I always give a new mum a bottle of ready made formula. Emergency milk supply!”
Well, on Saturday I woke up to extreme pro breastfeeders judging me for discouraging breastfeeding and that giving a bottle of formula is a terrible idea.
Let me make something clear. I’m a pro breastfeeder. I will always encourage breastfeeding to any new mum, however after my struggles with breastfeeding Lamb, I will also encourage them to move over to formula if breastfeeding is a huge struggle and simply making their life hell. From my experience with Lamb I genuinely feel the emotional state of the mum plays a huge part in the success of breastfeeding, and if it’s simply making you unhappy, this is neither healthy for you or your baby.
I stand by my opinion of giving a bottle of ready made formula to a new mum. You may disagree, but breastfeeding wasn’t easy for me and without a top up of formula every now and then, I would of given up breastfeeding completely. This is my personal opinion and choice and I’m entitled to this.
So the debate continued and I found these women attacking me more and more. One even went on to say “couldn’t you just pump?”.
Well, love, I did pump. I pumped for 4 and a half long months and had a supply of frozen milk as long as my arm. Is that good enough for you?
The 2 women, who another twitter user called “the breastfeeding police” which I found rather amusing, made comments like “you shouldn’t encourage the use of teats” and “you should be directing them towards support groups, not promoting the use of formula”.
Ok, so as you obviously missed my breastfeeding post and clearly don’t read my blog, I’ll give you a run down of my experience with breast feeding.
Lamb couldn’t latch. He didn’t feed for 3 days even though I had numerous midwives using various techniques to help him. I refused to give him formula and desperately wanted a solution to allow me to breastfeed. Yes, that’s right. I chose NOT to formula feed. The answer to all of my prayers was nipple shields. Oh yes, a form of “teat”.
So, extreme pro breastfeeders on twitter, answer me this. If I should be discouraging the use of teats, how the hell was I supposed to feed my child if the only thing that made him latch was a nipple shield? Go on, enlighten me, because you clearly know best and have all the answers when it comes to breastfeeding. I’d love to know what several midwives and my local breastfeeding support group were doing so wrong that they couldn’t teach my son to latch. Oh, wait, I know, it’s that breastfeeding magazine you advised me to give as a gift instead of a bottle of formula. Of course, the answer to my problems, a magazine. Why didn’t I think of that when my son was screaming with hunger at 3 days old, unable to latch and not getting enough from the hand expressed milk I was feeding with a syringe. I should of sent Daddy Lamb to my local 24 hour magazine shop to pick up the breastfeeding magazine you talk about, that would have done the trick.
Let’s move on to the next comment which in all honesty made me laugh out loud. “It’s a shame you’re not still pumping or you could have donated your milk instead of formula”.
What the hell? This conversation begun with a simple comment suggesting a bottle of pre-made formula to be given in a new mum hamper as a form of emergency milk supply, and now you are telling me I should be donating my own breast milk instead? You do know the mum in question 1. was not somebody I know, 2. had yet to give birth so we have no idea whether she wants to breastfeed, or 3. may be more offended at the thought of another woman’s breast milk than a harmless bottle of formula?
As I told you numerous times, I’m pro breastfeeding, always have been always will be, however life isn’t easy and breastfeeding can be ridiculously challenging and point blank impossible for some women. It’s people like you who cause rifts between the breastfeeding and formula feeding world. It’s people like you who create a bad energy around breastfeeding mothers. Your suggestions and comments are not supportive like you think they are, they are intrusive and damn well annoying. You spoke to me with such authority, like you actually think you are the “breastfeeding police”.
Guess what, breastfeeding isn’t a law. Mothers DON’T HAVE TO BREASTFEED. I love breastfeeding and everything associated with it. Bonding, nurturing, the added bonus of it being amazingly good for the baby, oh and lets not forget weight loss! But I had to come to terms with not being able to feed my baby naturally, and I found a solution. That solution involved teats. Nipples shields, bottles and yes a dummy! Is there anything wrong with that? NO.
What do you say to a breastfeeder who uses bottles? Because they are clearly going against your beliefs of discouraging the use of teats. Was I wrong to express my milk and feed my son with a bottle? Because if your answer is no, then you are contradicting yourself and what you promote so confidently over Twitter.
You know what I think? I think you had the easiest experience with breastfeeding. You didn’t have ‘inverted nipples’ like me that meant your nipples were too small for your baby to latch, you didn’t have flow problems which meant you ran out milk and couldn’t feed your baby in the middle of the night. Your experience was most likely fulfilling, joyful and rewarding. Not stressful, exhausting and emotionally draining. Your nipples probably didn’t look like the Grand Canyon and require endless amounts of Lansinoh Lanolin cream. You probably didn’t leak at the sound of your baby crying and spends hours of your day changing clothes so you felt slightly clean and normal.
Or maybe your experience was a struggle like mine?
Either way, who are you to tell me what I can or cannot give as a gift? You are entitled to your opinion, as am I. Fair enough if you tweeted a reply along the lines of “I disagree with giving formula to a new mum”, but you didn’t do that did you? You felt you had the right to continously tell me what I had suggested was wrong, and question my experience with breastfeeding. I ended up justifying myself to a complete stranger. Explaining that I am, in fact pro breastfeeding and trying to get you to understand my reasons for the suggestion.
Ranting like this over a blog post isn’t something I normally do, however I am a fan of a ranty post 😉 but I just had to express my feelings over what I had experienced. Something I can’t stand is people who are narrow minded, who express their (unwanted) opinion and feel they are always right.
Formula feeders who believe breastfeeding is disgusting. I don’t actually know what to say to people like you. You do know why females have breasts, don’t you? I’d be interested to know how the human race would survive without formula before it was invented.
Breastfeeders that believe mums who formula feeding their babies are not giving them the best start in life. Sure, breast milk is better than formula, I’ll happily agree with that, but there’s no way I think that formula feeding is bad for babies. Hello, it’s 2015 and formula has been around for a bloody long time. I’m pretty sure they’ve got the ingredients right by now.
I started this post with the opinion I’m pro breastfeeding, but you know what? I’m pro happiness. Breastfeeding is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and at times it caused me great sadness, which ultimately led me down a path of unwanted emotions. It took me 16 long months of being a mum to fully enjoy what I had. I can proudly say I am over the dark days and thoroughly enjoy being a mum, but it’s taken me a long time to get here.
My advice to you extreme pro breastfeeders on twitter, if support is so important to you (as you kept badgering on about during our conversation) why don’t you actually try being supportive? Because what I felt during our discussion was far from it. I felt bullied and judged.
I will not let you get me down, if anything you have made me feel proud of what I achieved when I breastfed my son. How many mums do you know who managed 4 and a half months of full on expressing day and night? Not many, I’m sure. Expressing is ten times harder than feeding naturally, so you know what? That makes me a super dooper breastfeeder.
And those that wake up in the night to mix up a bottle of formula, wait for it to cool, then sit and feed your baby, you’re pretty super dooper too.
Ax
Miranda (Myrabev) says
I can not believe some people on twitter, at what point did you say dont breastfeed just formula feed? I am not a mum yet and not sure if when I do if I will give formula or breastfeed but that will be a decision for then.
Alex says
Exactly Miranda! I kept telling them i was pro breastfeeding but because I mentioned using formula as an emergency they turned on me. I wasn’t even talking t them or know them. They just popped up out of nowhere. Yes, how you feed your baby is your decision and shouldn’t be influenced by anyone, unless there’s a medical reason. x
Rachel @ Parenthood Highs and Lows says
I LOVE this post. I was criticised (quite nastily) by another couple of bloggers for writing about my choice to bottle feed our third child. I was called seflish, and all sorts. It didn’t matter that I had breastfed our second child until he was almost two, and was still bf him up until I was 7 months pregnant. I had three children under 4 – I couldn’t risk being tied to the sofa all day whilst new baby fed, or worst still ending up with mastitis, as I had suffered with regularly. I think however you feed your child you end up being wrong in someones eyes – as long as you are happy with your choice and baby is fed, it shouldn’t make a difference to anyone else!
Alex says
Thank you. I’m very pro breastfeeding but I’m like you. I’ll do what is right for my whole family, and if breastfeeding is too difficult to do when I have my second because I have a toddler to look after, then I’ll definitely formula feed as well. Pro happiness!! xx
Emma | TheMiniMesAndMe says
I had great difficulty breastfeeding both of my children. My daughter was just not interested at all and after having my son I was very ill. I would recommend breastfeeding but I would also never judge a mother for choosing a different method x
Lifewithmunchers says
Quite simply…people are assholes! Some folk love to shove their beliefs down people’s throat. These people are no better than trolls and I think it’s just bullying. Well done you for standing up for yourself x
Alex says
Thank you. It is bullying. And completely unnecessary. xx
Gaby {lifeineight.com} says
Some people get really agitated about these sort of things and forget all modals 😉 having said I can see why some might think that giving ready made formula in a new mummy jumper might not be a good idea. My little one is 13 months old and I’m still breastfeeding her, if I would have had formula at home one of those first nights of cluster feeding her for hours on end in the middle of the night, the story could have been really different xx
Alex says
After my experience with breastfeeding I still stand why my opinion of giving someone a bottle of formula. Having said that I totally appreciate that some people don’t think it’s a good idea. We all have our own opinions, but it’s when others force theirs on you that this whole debate gets nasty. Well done for 13 months od breastfeeding! I really hope I can do that well with my second xx
Jade Priscilla says
I love love love this post! When my daughter was born, there was so much pressure for me to breast feed and I did, despite the pain I experienced every time she latched on. It was hard and I always say if I am blessed with a second child I won’t be putting myself through that again. Every woman should choose their own method of feeding whether that be breast milk or formula without being made to feel judged or under pressure. 🙂 x
Alex says
Ahhh thanks Jade! I’m not promoting formula feeding at all, if anything my suggestions of topping up with formula is to help to mum to breastfeed better. Something having a break from one feed can make all the difference. I know when my hubby started feeding Lamb with a bottle it made my life so much easier and I was happy to continue expressing. xx
Louise says
Thank you for sharing this. The bf police really annoy me and so many can be so disrespectful and it’s one of the reasons why I stay mute on the topic. I didn’t bf with of my children for my own reasons and I think your advice is great to add a bottle or two for a new mom. They don’t have to use it but if they are really struggling, getting no sleep and it’s 3am, they are less likely to have a meltdown if they know it is okay to give a bottle and return to bf in the morning, that’s my opinion on the matter.
Alex says
That’s exactly my point Louise. Give them a top up of formula and returning to breast-feeding for the next feed, what’s the harm in that? Some new mums can really struggle to feed and might not even think about that odd bit of formula here and there and it’s what saved me on crazy nights of expressing every 2 hours xx
joanna smith says
Please don’t take this as aimed at you, it’s not I promise. I am just bored stupid of the whole thing. I find the whole basis of debate farcical. A loving mum is a loving mum, regardless of feeding methods. Who has the right to judge another’s opinion, be it for or against any particular way. Each to their own I say, and be confident and happy in that way – not pressured or miserable. Think sometimes these groups who feel such superiority over others forget that every mother is a woman who has grown a human being from scratch inside herself… and that we all poop out the same orifice. No one is ‘better’ than another over the sake of how and/or from where the milk is provided.
Giving a baby gin, however, burn ’em at the stake I say 😉
Alex says
Don’t be silly Joanna I don’t see that as aimed at me 🙂 I totally agree with you. I am so bored of the whole debate and have managed to avoid it the whole time i’ve been a mum, until now! I just had to express my feelings as it’s people like the ‘lactivists’ who create debates and nasty feelings towards feeding. Ha yeah, probably best not to give them gin 😉 xx
Cliona says
Excellent post. It never ceases to amaze me how judgemental women are of other women, particularly when it comes to the whole breast vs. bottle debate. I think it’s hard enough to cope with all the demands of being a mother without being made to feel like you’re doing something wrong. I breastfed both my girls, the second until she was nearly 3 (totally not planned but it just worked out that way). However, I used to pump and used formula the odd time with daughter no. 1 and probably would have with daughter no. 2 except that she was allergic to cow’s milk.
Alex says
Thanks Cliona. I was so shocked when I was attacked on Twitter, never happened to me before! People just need to keep their opinions to themselves unless they are genuinely trying to help someone xx
Sian says
I found this post very interesting as I am yet to have children, not for a few years and I am definately pro happiness now! Each mother to their own, they know their babies and how they feed, dont take the opinions of trolls in, just be happy! <3
Alex says
Hi, Sian. Glad you enjoyed my post. You’re totally right, mothers really do know their babies and will always make the right decision, and if they don’t they will learn from their mistakes. Pro happiness all the way! 🙂
Tanita says
Seriously hun blooming well done for sticking up for yourself and I agree with you. There should be no pressure to breastfeed, and mothers are entitled to their own free choice, to breastfeed or formula feed. There should be no judgment it is unkind. Well done you for pumping so religiously that is absolutely fantastic xx
Alex says
Thanks hun 🙂 xx
Adventures of a Novice Mum says
I just realised it’s you; we met on #mblogchat a while ago. It’s one thing to share your view, it’s another to impose it on others. Shame that we sometimes treat each other the way we would’t like to be treated. I’ve read a number of breastfeeding vs. bottle blog and social media posts and though … wait a minute … bottles are linked to both.
Whatever the case maybe, you are the one that knows your breastfeeding journey and its influence on you in terms of what you share with other mums.
I also think that we ought to take care with our social media conversations, sometimes folks talk to each other in a way they wouldn’t dare face to say.
Sorry you felt judged and bullied. Indeed, what is needed is more GENTLE support (physical and emotional) for mums and their families with feeding their infant, whatever their choice (willing and unwillingly), and whenever they need. #Facebook
All your breastfeeding related posts are welcome on #BreastfeedingandI if you fancy. 🙂
Yummyblogger says
Great post but what a shame you had to write it off the back of an argument 🙁
Like you I’m a breastfeeder who topped up with formula from about 7 weeks old… So I’m pro-breast-feeding but I can’t stand these breastfeeding police… I honestly think they put women off breastfeeding as opposed to encouraging them!
As you said, if only they could offer support instead of judgement they could probably help increase breastfeeding rates! Xx
Donna says
Oh gosh those breastfeeding police.. I’ve come across them a few too many times. I’m not against breastfeeding at all, but I also don’t know why they have to force that formula is the devils juice. It worked pretty well for my child 🙂
Apparently though if you bottle feed you can’t by any means be supportive of breastfeeding. Blaaaaahhhhh. xx
Alex says
It’s completely ridiculous isn’t it. I hate that there is this strong divide between breast and bottle when in fact bottles come with breastmilk too. And there are plenty of women who combi feed so there’s just no need for these extreme opinions over what right or wrong when it comes to feeding a baby. As long as they are happy, healthy and growing well then who cares xx
Lucinda Teacher2Mummy says
Fantastic post Alex. I’d have to agree on pro happiness too, if baby and mum are happy is it really anyone else’s place to judge?! I wanted to breastfeed, I couldn’t get Eliot to latch on either by myself or with the help of hospital staff (apart from one midwife who managed to get him latched on twice) and we were in for five days. X
Alex says
Thanks Lucinda 🙂 I had one midwife who had never been beaten by a baby not latching… guess what, Lamb beat her! He is the only baby who she couldn’t get to latch and she was the one who suggested using shields because my nipples were too small! Sometimes breastfeeding is completely out of our control x
Esther @ Inside Out and About says
Alex, I am in total agreement with you, but I want to tell you about a conversation I had with a Danish family that came over to our house yesterday, because it is totally blowing my mind. I have no idea how we got onto the subject of breastfeeding but the Dad and sons were totally joining in too. The lady (who was 55) said she didn’t know anyone that bottle fed in Denmark, she said she could probably count them on her hand if she really thought about it.
For a country that is so close to ours and many of us descending from Scandinavia years and years ago, it has got me thinking about how there is such a big difference, or what we are doing differently? The son who was 23 honestly didn’t realise that people in the ‘western world’ bottle fed. She just said people in Denmark breastfeed, it’s what they do.
My first son didn’t latch on until day 6, but after that it is mostly fine. I never ever felt pressure to breastfeed from health professionals – I always found their opinion welcome and I appreciated their advice. If I didn’t want to breastfeed I would have just told them and felt comfortable with my decision. My sisters girls were in hospital as babies and they were put on the same ward as very young babies who were having huge operations on their bowels due to the effects of formula. Obviously that is a tiny minority, but it would be wrong of our (I think incredible) free health service not to recommend breastfeeding. Whether people decide to or not is completely their decision and they should feel happy and comfortable with their decision.
As for all those awful comments. What sort of people say things like that? Absolute madness!
xxxx
Alex says
Wow, that is so interesting to learn. I never knew that about Denmark! I’ve never heard of babies need operations due the effects of formula. I don’t really feel formula should be to blame in this situation and there are millions of babies who are totally healthy formula fed babies, obviously a certain ingredient wasn’t right with those babies. You also hear of babies being intolerant to lactose in breastmilk, so even the natural stuff can cause illness! Thats’s the whole point of this post, even if you believe breast is best (and I do) sometimes it actually isn’t and you have to appreciate eveyones choices and opinion on how they feed their babies. Thanks so much for commenting and teaching me a little something!! xx
Esther @ Inside Out and About says
Sanity has to come first! and with that happiness. I totally used a bottle with my expressed breast milk. It was a god send on long car drives and at wedding when I didn’t want to wear a ‘breastfeeding’ friendly dress x
Lauren | Belle du Brighton says
Love this post. I am pro breastfeeding for those who it works for. If it doesn’t work for a mama and her kiddo then as long as she feeds her sprog i’m happy! I do think that mums should at least *try* and also don’t understand those who think its ‘weird’ (hello, tits are for milk not looking schmexy) but each to their own I guess. Sorry the ‘lactivists’ attacked you 🙁
Alex says
Thank you. I also believe mums should at least try, even if its just for the very first feed, but I would never push breastfeeding on someone and be forceful with my opinions. Hopefully after learning what I’ve learned when feeding Lamb, I swill do a better job of doing it naturally with my next baby, but if I can’t then it will be back to the gold old breast pump!! And the odd bottle of formula when I need a break 😉 xxx
thisdayilove says
A great refreshing post. I am on the pro feeding side, if breast feeding works great and if bottle feeding works great. As long as you feed your baby, then at the end of the day does it matter? All the scaremongering about intelligence, eczema, allergies etc I see no evidence of. I BF my eldest who has eczema and allergies and when you put her in the classroom I could not tell you which of her friends were breast or bottle fed. She should have been bottle fed and I hatted the pressure I was put under to BF, we would have had a much happier first year had she been bottle fed.
Claudia says
I am currently pregnant and I’m constantly worried about breastfeeding and the pressure to do it. I’ve read so many blog posts about women who are “breasts only” and no other option, it’s refreshing to see a mother who fully supports other women and what they choose to do. There’s such a lack of support surrounding how to feed your baby, it’s scary. I say, as long as the baby is happy, healthy and getting fed what’s the problem? I’m scared for when the time comes and not being able to do it and getting judged.
xx
Alex says
What I would say to you is wait until baby arrives before you decide how you will feed them. Of course you know if you want to breast feed or not, but you have no idea whether you actually can, like with me. So be open minded and look for alternatives, there’s no right or wrong. Your body. Your baby. Your life. Good luck!! xxx
EmilyandIndiana says
Eurgh I’m definitely in the ‘pro-feeding’ camp over here, but I cannot stand the breast police who make you feel awful for not breastfeeding. This is a fab post and I’m totally with you. I’m planning on breastfeeding this time but have got all my bottle feeding gear ready too, just in case. Although maybe I should just go hunt down that super handy magazine instead 😉 xx