Where Do I Belong?

Lately I’ve been feeling a little lost. Lost with where I ‘belong’.

Who am I?

Am I the stay at home mum, who lost her job when she was 9 weeks pregnant with her second child, and decided to stay at home to save money on childcare?

Or am I the award nominated blogger trying to grow and monetise her blog so she can work from home and also save money on childcare?

Am I the small business owner who decided to launch her own children’s clothing line so she could grow her own business and provide for her family?

Or am I the doting wife who makes sure dinner is cooked, laundry is clean and the house is tidy for when her husband gets home from work?

Am I me?

I am all of the above. But yet, why do I feel like I am none of the above?

I don’t ‘belong’.

I am failing in every aspect of what I feel responsible for, and when cracks start to appear, things crumble.

My to-do list is uncontrollable.

What do I prioritise? Do I keep on top on the housework, because we all know a clean house = a clear mind?

Do I spend my days enjoying my children while they’re young. Spending time with Bear while Lambs at school doing arts & crafts?

Or do I give everything I can to my blog and brand, doing everything I can to grow my business in the hope that one day I will be able to pay myself a decent salary?

You see, being a stay at home mum doesn’t come naturally to me. I can’t get the playdoh out without getting stressed. Arts & crafts are my idea of hell ( which makes no sense as I’m such a creative person).

I need to work and I need to earn. I NEED my independence. It’s who I am. It’s who I’ve always been.

I spent years in further education, going on to gain a BA in Art & Design: Fashion & textiles. This allowed me to get my first job as a freelance designer for designer label Custo Barcelona. I then worked for 6 years at a luxury cashmere label.

But life dealt me some unlucky cards and at the age of 31, I’m surviving on benefits, while my husbands salary only just covers the household bills. Because he was also dealt some unlucky cards.

The purpose of this post isn’t actually to talk about our lack of finances. We are surviving and we have a roof over our heads. We are happy and healthy.

But I just feel lost.

Everything I’m doing, I’m doing half heartedly because I simply can’t do it all. And if I do try do it all, I fail.

The pressure I’m feeling right now is pretty intense. I’m expected to have Lambs uniform clean and ready each week, the fridge full of everything we need for a family of four (with 2 fussy eaters), my blog full of fabulous content, my business thriving with orders each week, and social media content scheduled in advance.

But what do I prioritise?

If I’m not being criticised for laundry being all over my house, it’s maybe I should just go get a job?

Well, believe me, I’m the first to criticise myself for my lack of ability to be the perfect housewife.

I’m envious of those with routines. Those who get up, go to work, get home and can concentrate on their kids.

I spend my days panicking if my son doesn’t nap because I’ve finally secured a paid blog post, which means I might be able to buy myself a new pair of boots this month and throw away the ones with holes in. But If I haven’t got the time to write it, I don’t get paid.

Then the guilt consumes me. The guilt of my desperation to be away from my son. I love him dearly, but yet need this separation from him.

In my whole life I never imagined I’d to get to the point where I didn’t belong.

I’m plodding along because I don’t know what else to do.

I write this while Bear is in the third hour of his nap?! Maybe he subconsciously knows mummy needs some time to get this off her chest. But I miss him, and would like him to wake up now.

We can enjoy some lunch together before we pick up his big brother and enjoy a play date with friends.

Although I don’t feel like I ‘belong’, I know I belong with my boys.

They are my world and everything I do is to better their lives, even if it feels like I’m failing at that right now.

~A~