In the very early days being a mum of 2 felt pretty easy. I fell in love with my new baby instantly, and unlike when I had Lamb, everything felt right.
We were soon breastfeeding comfortably and I was confident to leave the house with both boys on my own. Friends even commented on how well I was doing. It was a breeze.
By 3 months old, Bear had even dropped a couple of night feeds and I was starting to feel human again. I couldn’t believe my luck. I had a baby who slept!
Could it really be this easy?!
Well, it was, maybe for a month… then we entered the 4month sleep regression.
For the past 7 1/2, almost 8 months, I’ve been a walking zombie. Until around 7 months old Bear woke like a newborn, hourly, sometimes even half hourly.
This is where breastfeeding becomes a burden. I had to do EVERY SINGLE NIGHTFEED.
I’m not saying my other half didn’t help and got to sleep all night long. He woke, he helped with Lamb. But it’s not same.
It was around this time our battle with silent reflux began. We realised the sicky bubbles and burps were being caused by something and making Bear scream all night long. Only milk would settle him.
We were prescribed Ranitidine and although it’s helped, it hasn’t cured.
We are now approaching Bear’s 1st birthday and, although he’s not waking hourly, he still wakes up at least once each night. As my other half has to get up for work, it’s down to me to settle the baby.
Again, I’m not saying he doesn’t help, he really does. But even on my ‘night off’ I still wake to the sound of Bear crying.
I haven’t slept properly in over a year.
Over the last year I’ve found being a mum of 2 become harder and harder. The sleepless nights, messy house, unfinished work, unanswered emails. I’m just not in control.
Bear has been crawling since 5 months and DOES NOT STOP MOVING! I literally haven’t been able to leave him for more than a few seconds because I can’t be sure he won’t climb on the sofa/eat something he shouldn’t/generally get up to no good. Not only that, if I do pop to the kitchen and close the gate (between the living room and kitchen) he stands at the gate screaming bloody murder!
On top of all this I look like crap everyday. No make up, greasy hair, tired eyes, flabby body. Who am I?!
I’m not me.
We’re finally at a stage where Bear is no longer breastfeeding. He is comforted by a bottle and is taking proper naps. Most days I get between 1-2 hours of nap time and I just end up panicking about how much I’ve got to do in such a short space of time.
Is eating priority? Laundry? Emails?
What? What is more important?!
I get paid to run social media accounts, so that is a priority. However, I can do that on my phone around the kids (with a huge dose of mum guilt sprinkled on top). But needs must.
Hair and make up is a rarity – which is painful to say as I hate leaving the house without a full face on.
But I do, I prioritise everything else over myself. I do that for my kids.
The thing is, I just feel like I can’t get my shit together and keep on top of life. I wish more than anything I could feel a bit more like the old me. Bubbly, confident, 9 stone 10lbs. I gave up on Weight Watchers after 7 weeks because I simply couldn’t diet on such little sleep. If you’re taking sleep away, you’re not having sugar too!
Right now I’m doing my bloody best to get through each day without breaking down in tears because I feel like I’m failing. The kids are happy which is all that matters, but lately I’ve snapped a lot and now Lamb is older, he totally understands that I’m “being angry” and that kills me.
I don’t want to be that mum.
I haven’t invited you over in months because my house is a mess.
We haven’t gone on a night out because I’m ridiculously tired and can’t think of anything worse.
We haven’t met out for lunch and shopping because I’m skint and overweight.
I haven’t called you for a chat because I don’t have much to say right now.
In spite of all this I’m still a pretty happy person when things are going right. I love my boys and I’m grateful for the life I have. Soft play, picnics, it’s all fun and I do love it.
However, I’m just finding it hard at the moment and need a little more time to adjust to life with 2 incredibly energetic, full of life, gorgeous kids (who don’t sleep!)
So I know I’m a shit friend, but right now I’m not sorry.