In the very early days being a mum of 2 felt pretty easy. I fell in love with my new baby instantly, and unlike when I had Lamb, everything felt right.
We were soon breastfeeding comfortably and I was confident to leave the house with both boys on my own. Friends even commented on how well I was doing. It was a breeze.
By 3 months old, Bear had even dropped a couple of night feeds and I was starting to feel human again. I couldn’t believe my luck. I had a baby who slept!
Could it really be this easy?!
Well, it was, maybe for a month… then we entered the 4month sleep regression.
For the past 7 1/2, almost 8 months, I’ve been a walking zombie. Until around 7 months old Bear woke like a newborn, hourly, sometimes even half hourly.
This is where breastfeeding becomes a burden. I had to do EVERY SINGLE NIGHTFEED.
I’m not saying my other half didn’t help and got to sleep all night long. He woke, he helped with Lamb. But it’s not same.
It was around this time our battle with silent reflux began. We realised the sicky bubbles and burps were being caused by something and making Bear scream all night long. Only milk would settle him.
We were prescribed Ranitidine and although it’s helped, it hasn’t cured.
We are now approaching Bear’s 1st birthday and, although he’s not waking hourly, he still wakes up at least once each night. As my other half has to get up for work, it’s down to me to settle the baby.
Again, I’m not saying he doesn’t help, he really does. But even on my ‘night off’ I still wake to the sound of Bear crying.
I haven’t slept properly in over a year.
Over the last year I’ve found being a mum of 2 become harder and harder. The sleepless nights, messy house, unfinished work, unanswered emails. I’m just not in control.
Bear has been crawling since 5 months and DOES NOT STOP MOVING! I literally haven’t been able to leave him for more than a few seconds because I can’t be sure he won’t climb on the sofa/eat something he shouldn’t/generally get up to no good. Not only that, if I do pop to the kitchen and close the gate (between the living room and kitchen) he stands at the gate screaming bloody murder!
On top of all this I look like crap everyday. No make up, greasy hair, tired eyes, flabby body. Who am I?!
I’m not me.
We’re finally at a stage where Bear is no longer breastfeeding. He is comforted by a bottle and is taking proper naps. Most days I get between 1-2 hours of nap time and I just end up panicking about how much I’ve got to do in such a short space of time.
Is eating priority? Laundry? Emails?
What? What is more important?!
I get paid to run social media accounts, so that is a priority. However, I can do that on my phone around the kids (with a huge dose of mum guilt sprinkled on top). But needs must.
Hair and make up is a rarity – which is painful to say as I hate leaving the house without a full face on.
But I do, I prioritise everything else over myself. I do that for my kids.
The thing is, I just feel like I can’t get my shit together and keep on top of life. I wish more than anything I could feel a bit more like the old me. Bubbly, confident, 9 stone 10lbs. I gave up on Weight Watchers after 7 weeks because I simply couldn’t diet on such little sleep. If you’re taking sleep away, you’re not having sugar too!
Right now I’m doing my bloody best to get through each day without breaking down in tears because I feel like I’m failing. The kids are happy which is all that matters, but lately I’ve snapped a lot and now Lamb is older, he totally understands that I’m “being angry” and that kills me.
I don’t want to be that mum.
I haven’t invited you over in months because my house is a mess.
We haven’t gone on a night out because I’m ridiculously tired and can’t think of anything worse.
We haven’t met out for lunch and shopping because I’m skint and overweight.
I haven’t called you for a chat because I don’t have much to say right now.
In spite of all this I’m still a pretty happy person when things are going right. I love my boys and I’m grateful for the life I have. Soft play, picnics, it’s all fun and I do love it.
However, I’m just finding it hard at the moment and need a little more time to adjust to life with 2 incredibly energetic, full of life, gorgeous kids (who don’t sleep!)
So I know I’m a shit friend, but right now I’m not sorry.
Ax
Amanda says
From someone who knows the absolute hell that is sleep deprivation caused by a baby that does not sleep for longer than an hour at a time for months on end, I just want to give you a great big hug!
I’m not going to say don’t worry about not seeing friends etc, because whilst it is true your friends will understand, I know that doesn’t stop you feeling like a shadow of your old self! I know that as much as the guilt is there, it is also unbelievably hard to cope with feeling like you are barely managing to do the absolute minimum to survive and keep everyone fed and well and the bills paid day after day. And whilst it won’t last forever, it certainly feels like forever when you’re within it!
So, what I want to say to you is that you are amazing and I hear you and keep talking about how hard it is. Because it is hard. xx
Amber says
I’m a dreadful friend too – I don’t have the time and when I do have time at home, the small ones have to come first. Friends only see us these days if they have toddlers too and they want to do something child-friendly with me! Eh. If they’re true friends, they’ll be welcoming to us when we surface. xx
Katie says
Thank you for making me feel normal. I have an energetic three year old and a 6 month old baby that is cuttig her fourth tooth in one month. She slept well as a newborn but now she is up two hourly and I am barely functioning. Like you i am breastfeeding so i am the only one to settle her. All my friends have babies that sleep. My first has only just started sleepig well but loves a 5:30 am start. Lost count of the number of invitations I have turned down as the baby will only be settled by me. This post has made given me some comfort though. Thank you for your honesty.
Big trouble in little nappies says
Are you me?! Feel just the same and though I’m happy with my lot, it IS an awful lot to cope with and I feel like I don’t have room for much eke. Yet i feel a pressure to be ‘back to normal’ rather than still totally exhausted and a bit overwhelmed. The nights out can wait though I know. One say well be back. Solidarity!
Emily and Indiana says
This is absolutely beautifully written lovely, and I can honestly relate so much. When Parker wasn’t sleeping this is exactly how I felt. I completely lost myself and my babies were my priority. Huge hugs xxxxx
Katie Heels and Hooves says
Oh my goodness Alex, you must be exhausted! My second is only 5weeks ATM so I have no idea what you’re going through but I had a conversation about how worried I was about being a shot friend with my sister just yesterday. She rightly pointed out that if you’re friends don’t understand what you’re going through, they’re not your friends. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re a wonderful mum and one day soon you’ll get a decent nights sleep and put your face back on. Until then, don’t beat yourself up xxx