I say I’m prepared, but I don’t think you can ever be ‘prepared’. You can expect it, but you can’t totally prepare for PND, surely?
I certainly wasn’t prepared for PND with Lamb. To be fair, I wasn’t diagnosed with PND, but I knew I had it, even it was just mildly.
I had baby blues, for weeks. Life settled once Lamb started sleeping through, but as he approached his first birthday, I just fell into a negative space and couldn’t control my emotions.
He stopped sleeping through, he couldn’t crawl so was always frustrated, he didn’t eat (and still doesn’t); I just had hurdles to jump and I struggled with them.
I’m happy to say I fought the dark clouds and I’m beyond happy. I love being a mum; maybe I’m better with toddlers?
With that said, I’m scared of what might come. I’m nearly 18 weeks pregnant and it will be no time before I have a beautiful newborn in my arms.
I’m genuinely excited. When I see photos of babies I smile when I think I’ll have one soon. Another Lamb, or a sister for him to smother with kisses.
Then I think about how tough having a newborn is and I panic. I panic about the crying, feeling lost and useless, the feeling of ‘what have I done’.
I don’t want to go through it again, but I’m preparing myself for the fact I probably will. At least this time I know what to expect, the signs to look for and ways of dealing with the crying.
The thing is, this time I have my little lamb to look after too. I already have a layer of guilt running through me about the way I felt when he was a baby; how I struggled basically from the day we brought him home. I don’t want to feel that way again, I really don’t.
PND is out of my control. I know that now. I hope I have learned from my first experience to know I can’t help what my hormones and emotions do to me. To keep myself busy and fight the fear.
Maybe I’ll fall into motherhood for the second time with ease. Maybe I’ll kick PND up the bum and tell it where to go. I really hope so.
But if I don’t, if I feel the dark clouds again, I’ll talk about it. I’ll tell my husband, I’ll tell my friends and family. I’ll ask for help.
My midwife knows my story. She’s aware of my struggles and has put me down as PND non medicated. A bit scary, but at least I’ll get support if things go the same way. I won’t feel like hiding, she won’t let me.
Not enough of us talk about PND. We bottle up the feelings and hide away.
We have nothing to be ashamed of. Like I said, it’s completely out of our control. It’s just an imbalance of ingredients, a bit of an odd recipe. But one that will settle eventually, sometimes with medical help, sometimes without. Doesn’t matter either way – we are all different.
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As you are aware of the signs this time you will be able to ask for help earlier and be proactive in looking after you! I wish you the best of luck with your second, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy
I have never gone through PND so I can not completely understand what you are going through but I can try to imagine and I think you are wonderful for staying so positive and now know the signs to look out for this time around and your midwife will be there to watch out for the signs and get you the right help.
I can not even imagine what it must be like and the feeling of it, I am however glad for you to have talked about this and will hopefully know the signs and as you said seek help and talk to people about it
Hi! We must have very similar due dates – I’m 17 weeks pregnant with our first and absolutely have no idea what’s going to hit me once Pickle is born. You’re 100% right – we don’t talk enough about PND and we should do. My best friend has just been diagnosed and I just keep telling her that’s its nothing to be ashamed of, it doesn’t mean she’s a bad mother and it’s just a chemical reaction. I know my hormones send me crazy at the best of times.
Fingers crossed we both have excellent support networks in place for if it should happen. But whatever happens, we can’t let it make us feel like bad mothers. It’s not what it means.
Ive never given birth so have no idea how you feel or what to expect, but I am glad you feel comfortable enough to talk about it openly and hope you can find others who have been in the same situation who can talk to you x
I totally know how you feel Hun! I was exactly the same after having Ava. I just remember feeling like I’d been hit by a train. So exhausted and completely overwhelmed with the weight of responsibility. I realised that you can read all of the baby books you like, nothing can prepare you for motherhood! It’s such a whirlwind of emotions. I used to hide upstairs when we had visitors. I couldn’t deal with it. I was never diagnosed either but I know that there was something not quite right. I’m sure that everything with fall into place with your second baby. Like you said, you’ll know what to expect this time around. Xxx