*I wrote this post at the end of last year when I was struggling with anxiety. I was overwhelmed with my workload and life was getting on top of me. Things aren’t that different, but I have slowed down with blogging to allow me to catch up on everything. Oh, and since writing this I’ve now taken on a freelance role as a Social Media Manager!
Lately Ive been feeling like a failure. A failure in pretty much every aspect of life, but particularly blogging.
I’m not depressed, sad, feeling vulnerable, I’m totally fine actually. I’m just feeling a little anxious about how much pressure I’m under with the responsibilities I’m juggling.
When I was pregnant with Baby Bear my blog was doing incredibly well. Award nominated in fact. Naively I thought my baby would nap all day long and I could continue the upkeep of my blog space. Turns out, second babies don’t really sleep. Well, mine doesn’t anyway. He literally sleeps for half an hour either on my chest (which is actually more likely to be an hour, but obviously I can’t get much done with him there), or on the sofa. Half an hour doesn’t really give you much time to work, when you also want to pee/eat/drink/sleep/bang your head against a wall. 😉
He’s so easily distracted and would rather play than nap.
Slowly I’ve been falling further and further behind on blog posts. I work with multiple brands on reviews (one of my favourite parts of blogging) and agree on reviewing certain products along with social shares.
PRs and brands are amazing really. They are very patient with parenting bloggers. They rarely give strict deadlines, and if they do they usually give you plenty of time to get the work done.
The thing is, BB is approaching 6 months old and I still have outstanding reviews to do, and I feel bad about it.
Not only that, there’s my clothing brand. Currently I do little promotion because I just don’t have the time. Right now I’m sat with a fidgety baby on my lap, on a day where I would normally be working (while Lamb is at preschool). I was pretty naive to think he would sleep all day…
So that’s blog and brand neglect, what else?
Let’s talk about my house. Well, it’s rammed full of toys, clothes, review products and more. We have such small rooms and every single one is full. My husband can’t even put his clean washing away because he doesn’t have enough wardrobe space. And actually, if I think about it, my house isn’t that small. I’ve got a bloody cellar!
As a blogger you share your lives with the world. Some of these lives come across as perfect, and then some are more real. There are followers who want to see ‘real life’ to reassure themselves they are not alone, and others who look to bloggers for ‘perfect’ inspiration. Both equally as important.
I don’t share photos of my home. I haven’t done a nursery tour, I don’t have an organised blogging space. We just have mess. Mess that is tidied daily, then messed again (also daily).
*Note. The baby is now in the Jumperoo as typing was becoming impossible one handed ;)*
There’s also me. I’m not talking about time away from the kids. I don’t even really care about that right now. I’ll have plenty of time away from them when they are in school (although a spa weekend would be much appreciated). I’m talking about feeling myself.
Not long before kids you wouldn’t see me in a pair of flats and without make up. I didn’t own a hoody and you wouldn’t see me dead in a pair of Uggs.
*Pause writing this while I get the baby out of the Jumperoo*.
(Back on the laptop at 9:30pm.)
Back to the Uggs. Well now they are a wardrobe essential. As are hoodies and converse.
I’m happy to adapt my fashion sense to suit my new lifestyle as a mum, it’s all part of ‘growing up’ isn’t it. But the lack of time to brush my hair and put on a little mascara is a little tough. I mean, I used to wear false lashes just to go out for dinner, now I spend my days rushing to put on a little make up before the school run.
I actually love being more casual. My ankles no longer hurt from wearing heels. My hair is in great condition albeit falling out as I hardly get to blow dry or straighten it. But I’m just not me. I crave to be a ‘yummy mummy’. I see photos of the most glamorous mums with bodies to die for and if I was 5% as fit as them I’d be happy!
*Baby wakes up. I close my laptop and go to bed.*
Let’s try again…
To an outsider being a stay at home mum can look quite easy. I mean, we get to hang out at home all day watching TV, endless cups of tea, right? WRONG. If, like me, you’re trying to have some sort of life outside of being a mum; a career, social life, hobby, then you’ll find it’s not easy at all.
I want more than anything to provide for my children as they grow up. Be able to stay at home with them as much as possible. Be the one waiting for them at the school gates when the school day ends. I want it all.
But I also want to be me. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle sometimes and I’m dissolving into motherhood without any sort of personality. I’m losing my confidence (I was such a confident teenager), losing my sense of style (I hardly ever brush my hair) and losing my social life because I just can’t be bothered. I’v even given up Weight Watchers because I’m just too tired to concentrate on another commitment.
I love being a mum. I actually love going to soft play (they do good cappuccinos), I love walks round the zoo, trips to the park. But sometimes, just sometimes, it all gets a bit much and I feel like the days are whizzing by without any sense of achievement.
Organisation has never been one of my greatest strengths, but before BB was born I felt on top of everything. Throw a baby into the mix and it all goes tits up.
I know I’m not failing. There’s no exam with blogging. No one is banging my door down for reviews to be done, or new leggings to be designed. I’m actually doing what I’m supposed to be, and that’s putting my children first. The rest can wait.
But that doesn’t stop me feeling anxious about everything. I can’t help feeling the pressure of success.
I’m writing this as a sort of brain dump; letting it all out. Maybe you’ll read this and relate, maybe not.
Let’s hope once my baby starts sleeping through (he’s still feeding every 3 hours day and night) I might start feeling myself again.
~A~
Oh Alex, I’m glad that you’re enjoying taking the break away from blogging (to some degree) but you’re right, you are 10000% doing the right thing by enjoying your children and prioritising as you feel you need to. You know that I often feel like this myself, my hair is also falling out and I’m ashamed to admit that I can go for days (yes, actual multiple days) without brushing it just scraping it up out of the way. It’s horrible but that’s life I guess. I really hope that you’re starting to get your confidence back and you’re finding you way as to who you are aside from mother/blogger/business owner/wife etc. It’s so many plates to juggle isn’t it?
If you ever need to chat you know where I am
xx
It can definitely feel overwhelming when you are trying to juggle babies, home chores and work responsibilities, and you get very little or no “me” time. When my children were little I was lucky as a couple of my friends had babies of almost identical ages to mine. We would often arrange to babysit each others children for a couple of hours, giving one mother those couple of hours of free time to catch up on chores, go shopping without a baby in tow, or just relax. Looking after 2 or even 3 babies is actually not much more work than looking after one of them, especially if you make your mind up that for those 2 hours all you will do is look after the babies, knowing that in return you will get some time off. Alternatively when you have a toddler and an infant, you can swap children with another mother in the same situation, so each of you gets to look after 2 similarly-aged children, which is easier than looking after differently-aged children. Perhaps you could try this out with someone you meet at a baby group.
I actually have friends with children very similar ages to mine so we have have each other for support. We don’t swap children, but we are there for each other to babysit when needed. It might be worth trying what you suggest though, thanks! x