Right now I’m sat on the sofa with a hot coffee. I’ve published one blog post, answered a few emails and now writing this post. I’m working my way through my to-do list. I’m not stressed and I’m not shouty. And I don’t feel guilty about it.
Today is Lambs first full day at school. There were tears. He pulled me back most of the way to school and repeated “I don’t want to go”. Not nice for any parent to deal with, especially as it has been like this every day so far.
Then there’s my little cub, who also screamed as Grandma put him in the car to take him for the day.
But you see, today is my first official work from home day without the boys. It’s the day I’ve been longing for. The day I’ve so desperately needed. Yet the day I’ve been dreading. The day that I knew would be so bitter sweet.
My boys are clingy and sensitive. They love being with Mummy (and Daddy of course), and are very used to me being with them almost 24/7. Working around them has been incredibly tough. It’s taken it’s toll on me and, as some of you know, I’ve struggled at being a shouty mum recently.
For most of this year I’ve said, “I’ve just got to get to September, then I can really try to grow my brand”. But I’ve never wanted a year to go as slow as this one.
Lamb starting school has hit me pretty hard. In fact, writing these words now is making me cry. After being made redundant at the end of 2015 I’ve been at home with him almost every day. He’s my buddy. My sidekick. He’s not difficult and every day, for no particular reason, he asks me for a cuddle. He’s just such a sweetheart.
But September has come, and my baby boy is growing up. He’s started ‘big school’.
We’re in our second week of Lamb being at school and Bear being in childcare, but this week is the first time Lamb will do a full day at school.
Having this time away from the boys is absolutely helping with my anxiety and mood. I now have allocated time to work. Time where I don’t feel guilty because I’ve stuck the boys in from of the TV for an hour so I can pack up some orders or finish a blog post.
As much as I love working from home, I need this time away from the boys. I need to be ‘me’ again. I need to switch off from nappies and juice cups.
Being a parent is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. The feeling you get when you’re told how well behaved your child is, or that they offered their last crisp to their friend. Anything that shows you’re doing something right and raising them to be wonderful little people.
But being a parent is also the most draining thing I’ve ever done. I haven’t slept properly in almost 2 years. I plan my days around my children and I spend my last penny on them. Exactly how it should be.But things have been getting on top of me. And I can’t possibly run successful business around 2 children full time. It just isn’t going to happen.
September has arrived and I’m grabbing it with both hands (with tears in my eyes). Lamb will be in school 5 days a week. Bear will be with Grandma and in nursery 2 days a week.
I have 2 days, and then any nap times and evenings to be me again. Whether I want to go shopping, write, design, shower, see friends, do housework, go for a walk. Whatever I want to do, that time is mine. And it’s been a long time since I’ve had regular me time. I’m already feeling a little like my old self again after having a few hours away form the boys last week.
I’m sure the tears will stop soon and both Lamb and myself will embrace this new chapter. As I sit writing this, I can hear the children in his school playing in the playground. It’s lovely knowing I’m so close to him.
Becoming a parent doesn’t mean you have to give up everything. You adapt and rearrange, but you don’t have to change.