Today I Was A Shouty Mum – And It Was Only 8:30am

Today I was the shouty mum.

In fact yesterday I was the shouty mum too. And last week.

“Mum can you help me get the bad guy?” “Yes, in a minute.”

“MUM, can you help me get the bad guy??” “Wait, I’m just doing something.”

“MUM! CAN YOU HELP ME GET THE BAD GUY?”

“I SAID WAIT A MINUTE!”

There, I snapped. It was only 8:30am and I shouted at my 4 year old for asking for help. Help. That’s all he wanted. Help with his computer game. (Yes, he was playing Banjo Kazooie at 8:30 in the morning.) And then I shouted some more.

My patience is thin. My stress levels are high and my anxiety is playing up. And to put it bluntly I’m tired and need a break.

When I was pregnant with Lamb I never once thought my life would be like this 4 years down the line.

I worked hard at my job and went back to it when Lamb was 10 months old.

But, you see, the ‘normal’ family life didn’t go to plan and now I’m juggling a million things each day and it’s becoming a little overwhelming.

When I was studying for my degree never did imagine we would be surviving on a 4 day a week wage and tax credits.

I grew up on benefits. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. My parents gave us everything we needed and taught us the value of money and working hard for it. My mum went to uni while my brothers and I were at school and my dad worked nights so he could do the school run.

But I didn’t want this for my family, so I worked hard.

Until 2014 my other half and I were doing ok financially. In fact, looking back we were really comfortable. He was earning a good wage as a printer and although my design job didn’t pay what I should of been on, it was enough for me to enjoy life.

Fast forward a couple of years. Add 2 children and 2 redundancies and our ‘normal’ life was suddenly a little topsy turvy.

I’m now doing everything I can to earn some money. I work as a freelance social media manager, which I have Social Sparkle to thank for. You are obviously reading this on my blog, which I’ve been writing for 3 1/2 years and occasionally get paid to collaborate on campaigns. Very occasionally.

And then there’s my brand. My clothing line. My dream.

When I take a step back and look down at myself there are times I want to shake me and say “you’re doing too much, you’re going to crash and burn!”, and then there are times when I think “wow, you’re doing pretty well, go mumma!”

Right now I’m burning. I’m not coping with working from home around the kids, and not really having anything to show for it.

The amount of hours I put into what I do is basically like a full time job, yet I’m not earning a full time wage.

And this, along with other things, is what’s making me so overwhelmed.

I’m putting so much time into what I do, but is it going to be worth it?

Will I get to a point where I can afford to treat myself to a new pair of jeans or a new bag? Will we ever afford to go abroad with the kids again? Poor Bear won’t be going on a plane anytime soon. I’m just glad we were able to take Lamb a couple of times before the redundancies.

Will I feel so comfortable and secure in what I’m doing that maybe, just maybe, I won’t be the shouty mum anymore?

Because you know what?

Being the shouty mum sucks. Really sucks. The guilt I feel when the loud voice comes out of my mouth and is directed to the kids. When I realise that my baby boy, who yes is still my baby, will soon be going to school everyday, just had an earful from mummy. The guilt is overwhelming. The emotions are too much.

I don’t want to shout. I especially don’t want to shout at my children. But when I do, I quickly apologise and explain why I shouted. We cuddle and I try to make everything ok. But what I did isn’t ok.

I know reaching breaking point happens with most parents. I mean, parenting is bloody hard and kids are like little annoying wind up toys a lot of the time!

I’m sure a lot of you have been in my situation before. And all I want to say is keep going. If you’re kids are happy and healthy then you’re obviously doing something right.

My boys are happy. They are healthy. They have everything they want and I do my best to fulfil their lives.

But mummy needs looking after too. And sometimes it’s time to admit I need to slow and down and enjoy the beautiful family I’ve created.

So, today I was the shouty mum. But tomorrow I want to be the happy mum. And you know what, I’ll bloody do my best to be just that.

~A~